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 AFTER YEARS OF ridicule in Newcastle Stuff and our sister magazine Mellow Pages, the region’s charvers have hit back – by burgling our office.They ransacked our suite here at the Cynic Centre late last year, stealing uninsured computer equipment and personal effects worth over two-grand. But more despicable still, was then being shafted by a friend of these magazines. A benefit night was planned by the good people at The Cluny and a variety of bands and DJs rallied to the cause. Our mate – who, for years has been telling people he writes for Newcastle Stuff and Mellow Pages – decided he was going to organise it. In fact he hasn’t written anything for the magazines since his only article was published way back in 1992, so this contribution was appreciated. "Leave it to me,” he said. “Just concentrate on getting the mag out and I’ll sort the benefit night." However, he took the huff over a missed ‘phone call and “withdrew his labour” fourteen days before the event. His labour hadn’t extended to organising any flyers, tickets, posters, PA system or decks, so the gig went tits-up - plunging Newcastle Stuff even further into debt. He’ll be paid back for his original help, of course. STILL ON THE subject of charvers, a pioneering experiment to rid the region’s Metro stations of louts, has been taken up across the country.Regular readers will remember that classical music has been piped at full volume through the system’s loud-speakers, to discourage youths from hanging around, drinking cider and trying to impress their Sharons. This has been taken up by transport systems in Birmingham, Manchester, Bristol and Norwich. But they’re a hardy bunch up here in Newcastle, and many have become immune to the noise. So transport chiefs are to employ a more subtle tactic. Ultra-violet lighting will be installed, aimed at highlighting the pimples and pustules on the faces of the youths. WORD ARRIVES from our man in Consett, regarding sex and animals.Nothing new there, you may think. But this is all legal and above board, involving consenting dogs. The R.S.P.C.A. – our man claims – has raided what is believed to be the country’s first canine brothel. Many residents of Consett own whippets and lurchers, and find that the males become rather agitated if they haven’t had sex for a while. Seeing an opportunity for a quick buck, a local man came up with an idea for settling them down. Acting on a tip-off, R.S.P.C.A. officers visited his house, where they found five specially sterilised bitches reclining on cushions, with their claws painted red. The man was charging a tenner a go, but was not committing any offence. THE PEOPLE OF Tyneside will be delighted to learn that The Queen will pay a visit as part of her Jubilee Tour, when she will officially open the Millennium Bridge.But Big Betty will have to go some, if she’s to better an unofficial ‘blessing’ ceremony which took place at around 1.10am on the morning of December 22nd. Passers-by were halted by the lusty cries of a couple, who had the bridge quite literally rocking. A large crowd gathered and gave the couple a standing ovation, as they departed on the Gateshead side and headed for the Tuxedo Princess. • If anyone can claim to have ‘christened’ the bridge prior to this date – let us know. Solo efforts don’t count.
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