CITY COUNCIL pest control chiefs have taken drastic action, in an effort to rid Newcastle of a serious infestation.

Eldon Green has been plagued by Goths for several years. But recently the problem has got out of hand, as the dank weather has caused them to multiply.

At the crack of dawn last month, a team of experts moved in and dug up their habitat, replacing it with special non-stick turf which was sprayed with the most toxic substance known to Goths: soapy water.

"This’ll fettle them," a CityWorks employee laughed, as his hose spread its deadly dose across the grass.

The Goths were tolerated by the authorities until the trees around the Green began to die.

Experts argue over the causes of this: some say it was acute patchouli poisoning - others reckon the trees suffered from depression, brought on by their surroundings.

A former Goth who is now normal told Newcastle Stuff: "Yeah, I was a no good dead-beat, chewing the heads off pigeons and snorting mascara.

"But once they hit fifteen, most kids realise they’re neither scary nor individual, and they come to their senses. Then they buy a skateboard."

According to Bob Shite, Professor of Weird & Anti-Social Behaviour, from University College, Benwell, other species have merged with the Goths.
"Now you’ve got skaties hanging around the Green. Poison won’t stop them: the council needs snipers.

"And you’ve got charvers mingling with the Goths, on the look-out for tack. Some have even adopted the clothing: I’ve seen loads of lads with hoody tops and Kappa bottoms – the Goths call them ‘Choths’."

Will the council’s tactics rid Eldon Green of its Goths? Newcastle Stuff seriously doubts it