newcastle stuff

Working their notice

NEWCASTLE STUFF is late again this month. But the magazine is gradually recovering from the double shafting we received late last year: courtesy of some burglars, and then the friend and ‘fantasy writer’ who cocked-up the subsequent benefit night, in a fit of spite.
The thousand-pound door money would have put the magazine on an even keel and settled a debt or two – but hey, let’s not get bitter. Unlike some people who are hell-bent on seeing this fine publication bite the dust.
Last month we published a long letter from an employee of local advertising agency Robson Brown. She’d got the hump because we took the piss out of her company’s laughable Newcastle Gateshead Buzzin ad campaign.
"With a bit of luck you’ll never afford to print another issue," she concluded. Which was both spiteful and stupid, coming from someone who makes a living from the local media.
And especially when Robson Brown announced they were shedding eight jobs this month.
No hard feelings at Newcastle Stuff. If Karen Wake was among these redundancies (or hopefully the next batch), there’s a job waiting here.
It’s a doddle. All the work is done is done by me, while you lean against a bar next to our ‘fantasy writer’, taking the credit for it.
Without their help, we’ll be out earlier next month.

ELSWICK used to be the car-crime capital of Europe, but these days the joyriders are a calmer bunch - probably because they’re monged off their heads on hash. So it’s a nice civic touch by the council, proudly welcoming visitors to “high” Elswick. Elsewhere, an advert in the window of Raby News, in Byker, proves we’re an animal-loving lot in Newcastle. Who else would provide their dog with a comfy chair to relax in, after a hard day at the track?

ESTATE AGENTS are asking £13,000 for a desirable spot in Newcastle – a parking space.
That’s what it will cost people who buy a flat in a new residential development on St James’ Boulevard, who want to leave their car nearby.
And what’s more astonishing is that fifty mugs have already bought ‘apartments’ in the block, at prices ranging from £92,000 to £195,000.
In an effort to help them shift the remaining seven, Newcastle Stuff cast an eye over the building and its neighbourhood. All we can conclude is that the agents must have some shit-hot staff.
A spokeswoman for the company says: "We believe the accommodation is absolutely ideal for people who want an apartment in the city centre. It is within walking distance of the railway station and close to the main north and south road routes."
As you can see from our picture of the building, it’s bloody ugly. The Central Station may be nearly a mile away, but it is certainly close to main road routes – it overlooks a dual carriageway. Just across that, is the local Soup Kitchen.
Fresh air is not an option. Open the windows and apart from the car fumes, there’s the permanent, vomit-like stench of hops, from the Scottish & Newcastle Breweries, over the road.
And every Saturday, you’ve got 52,000 bawling Geordies marching to and from St James Park.
You could buy half a street in Benwell for thirteen-grand, but you’d have to leave your motor at least three miles away.
So if £195,000 is reasonable for a city centre gaff like these, you’d be better off just buying the parking space, and kipping in your car.

BURGLAR WITH NO LEGS IS SPARED JAIL
Robert Bate had drunk 16 pints before being cajoled into acting as a lookout for two friends during a burglary in Easington Colliery. The home owner, a security guard, was asleep in his sitting room when he heard a disturbance at the window at 4am. He saw three men, one of whom appeared to be sitting down. “His attention was drawn to the defendant, who had no legs,” the court was told. The three fled and the house-owner saw one man pick Bate up and carry him away.
The Journal

BURGLAR TOO DRUNK TO MAKE QUICK ESCAPE
A burglar left a £40,000 trail of damage when he raided Marks & Spencer’s, in Newcastle, to help fund his holiday. Stephen Jardine smashed a glass dome and shinned down a forty-foot rope into the jewellery department, but had drunk 14 pints before the raid and was unable to climb back up.
The Journal

TUNA CAN MAN JAILED
Drunken Gary Hutchinson, of Sunderland, was jailed for three years for trying to hold up a taxi driver – with a tin of tuna. "I’ve got a shooter," he said, and demanded his takings, with a can of fish in his hand.
Evening Chronicle

MAN JAILED AFTER ALLEGED EAR-BITING INCIDENT
Lyndon MacRae, of South Shields, was jailed for six months following a brawl in which a man’s ear was allegedly bitten off. During the trial, however, victim Carl Wilson claimed his ear had been "nibbled off" by a dog, a week earlier.
Northern Echo

MORE CHANGES are afoot in the Bigg Market, as the legendary drinking area fights back against the growing popularity of the Quayside.
One of the main problems with the Bigg Market is the absence of late licenses, which means there is a nightly exodus as punters head down the Quay for last orders, before queuing outside its four nightclubs.
A major payer in both areas is Ultimate Leisure, who own Sea nightclub on the Quayside and four bars in the Bigg Market. Last month we reported that they had been granted the first late licence in two decades, for a massive club due to open in the Bigg Market this October.
The company will further consolidate its position here when Maceys Bar emerges from an extensive refit, with a concept almost unique to the area.
The pub will revert to its old name, The Lord Chancellor, fitted out in a ‘traditional’ style.
Elsewhere, work is underway on a new bar behind the Head of Steam. The former Ladbrokes bookies has been demolished and a new building is rising in its place.
It’s not clear what kind of drinker this place will cater for. But nearby licensees may be concerned that the neighbourhood is becoming rather crowded, with four major bars having opened in the last three years.
Over the road, a former bank is set to open up as a nightclub. A man in a nearby pub told Newcastle Stuff that the planning and licensing applications have been approved, but we were unable to confirm this as we went to press.

THE GOVERNMENT is stepping up the tagging of crims and bad lads, as it’s cheaper than banging them up. The tags are attached to their ankles, enabling us cops to know exactly where they area at night.
My grass on Shields Road tells me there’s already a black market for these devices.
He says Bobby Robson was in The Raby the other afternoon, looking to buy some for his first-team squad. Nobody was keen at first, but when he offered to throw in an autographed Shearer shirt, half the bar stuck their legs on the tables.
"Some members of the team are earning themselves a tasty reputation around town," my grass tells me. "They’re a flash posse, into the birds and the booze, but now that Bobby has bought the tags, they’ll have to spend every night sleeping in some charver’s flat in the Byker Wall. Otherwise the tag sets off an alarm at the local nick."
The grass reckons Craig Bellamy, Keiron Dyer, Carl Cort and the Boy Jamie McClen (whose ‘twin brother’ was arrested by us last month for being pissed), are the first to be fitted up with the devices.
But apparently Bobby has no intention of tagging Laurent Robert. It would be a waste of time – he never goes anywhere.