Signs of the Times
THE LONG-TERM future of Ellington Colliery - Northumberland’s last remaining coal mine - may be uncertain, but residents of the nearby village don’t see much of a future if this road sign is anything to go by
ANYONE ON Tyneside will know that ‘tack’ is charva slang for hash, so this was a particularly ill-advised name for a shop in Seaton Delaval selling horse equipment. Anyway, the shop is now closed-down, so here’s a ready-made opportunity for some enterprising radgie to open a drugs den
Ashington English
Jerkin Short jacket Being funny
Spurt Quick burst Pimple or boil
Learn Find out Borrowed from bank
Shirk Avoid duties Sudden fright
Turn Revolve Ripped
Stirred Mixed with spoon Past tense, stand
Glared Stared angrily Happy
Firm Compact and solid Official document
Beck Stream Rear part of body
Leer Stare lustfully Fibber
NEWCASTLE STUFF has been taking the piss out of Mackems for over year now, but residents of both Sunderland and Toon appreciate a bit of gentle joshing.
However, we fell foul of a Sunderland football fanzine last month and had to print an apology, for accidentally reproducing some of their copyright material.
They’ve every right to be a bit tetchy on Wearside after their team’s truly disgraceful performance and subsequent relegation from the Premiership, so we were happy to put a pound in the post to smooth matters.
But there’s no such pussyfooting from Newcastle United fanzine True Faith, who rushed out a special end-of-season edition called Let’s All Laugh At Sunderland, aimed at those who like to gloat at the Mackems’ misfortunes.
These eighty-eight pages of spite and bile are guaranteed to ratchet up the rivalry between the two cities – which is unlikely to be vented on the football pitch for many years to come.
Kicking off with a story about the deadly S.A,R.S. virus – ‘Sunderland Are Really Shite’ – the publication contains page after page of jokes and piss-take pieces about the team and those unfortunate enough to support them.
If you’ve got a sense of humour – and you’ll need one if you’re a Mackem – you can buy this magazine at most newsagents, price £2.99
Local Landmarks
WITH THE football season over, the local press has the tricky task of concocting enough transfer rumours to fill the back pages each day for the next three months. Given the talent and imagination of local sports journalists, most of this will be utter crap.
But Newcastle fans who want to be first to know the comings and goings at St. James Park need look no further than the Toon Car.
Owned by a brewery worker called Tex from Shieldfield, this is the most reliable source of information about new club signings; with their names lovingly – if not artistically – applied to the bodywork with what appears to be a nail varnish brush, before their signatures have dried on their contracts.
The motor currently sports the names of the entire first-team squad, manager, physio and assorted coaching staff, so it’s safe to assume that there’ll be no major transfer action for the next couple of weeks.
However, Tex shows his vintage by devoting the coveted bonnet space to the FA Cup-winning side of 1955, whose players would be delighted to know they are still able to stop traffic and turn heads almost fifty years after their Wembley triumph.
Incidentally, this is at least Tex’s second Toon Car. He previously owned a Capri, decked out in a similar fashion. It’s not clear what happened to this, but one thing’s for certain: it won’t have been nicked.
How To Gan On In Newcastle: Borrowing a tab
WITHIN MINUTES of arriving in Newcastle you will encounter the legendary Geordie hospitality, when a complete stranger approaches you with his right hand extended. "Lenz a tab," he’ll say.
You have made a pal, and he is suggesting you cement the friendship with the long-term loan of a cigarette. You, in turn, are obliged to lend him one.
This routine will happen every time you venture out in Newcastle. So if you don’t smoke, now’s a good time to start.
The ‘friendliest’ types are young lads wearing colourful sportswear and a "nippa" behind their ear, who sound as though they’re talking through their left nostril.
When he says "Lenz a tab," you will reply "nee bother, charver." He’ll be sure to look out for you in future.
He may have a female with him. She’ll also be wearing sportswear, dripping with gold-coloured jewellery. The fringe of her yellow hair will have been carefully sprayed over a coke tin until it’s twice the size of her head. She is known as a Kappa Slapper – or "me bewer."
In this case you will offer two cigarettes. And if you’re feeling particularly gregarious, add the words "bet she gans like the clappaz." Your wit will be noted.
Now that you understand this easy piece of etiquette, why not try it yourself?
Simply walk up to a stranger in a bar or on a bus, lean close to their face, and say the words:
"Lenz a tab."
Better still, try it on everyone you pass in the street – you’ll be surprised at the interesting situations this can lead to.
And you’ll know when you’ve met a true kindred spirit, when they reply "Ah was ganna ask yee."
EATING OWT BLUE APPLE CAFE
by Jane O’Neill

BEING A HEALTH conscious veggie type - well, a veggie at least - I get a little tired of the fact that eating out often consists of a cheese sandwich, or a cheese salad, or just good ol’ cheese.
However, happening upon the small but perfectly formed ‘Blue Apple’ café on Heaton Road, Heaton, has restored my faith in meat-free dining.
With a range of veggie & vegan snacks, breakfasts, sarnies, salads, and lovely sweeties (well a girl can’t be healthy 24/7?!), a hard afternoon’s shopping warranted one of everything and two of everything else.
Although I had promised myself no cheese, the Greek salad sounded too good to resist, served with homemade hummus and lots of fresh bread.
A really fresh and tasty green salad, with plenty of feta cheese, olives and tomatoes, served in a massive portion, it didn’t stop me from nicking some of my compadre’s ‘fakin bacon’, rocket and avocado ciabbatta, just as plentiful and just as tasty.
After washing all this down with a milk & syrup ‘kiddichino’ for the caffeine virgin (me) and a evil lil’ espresso for the hardcore companion, we decided the share the calories in a slice of low fat carrot cake with a cranberry topping, which quickly turned into a vicious spoon fight over the last slice.
The loser (me again) consoled themselves with a bottle of fruity Seville orange jigger, and we set off to spread the good word amongst the dairy saturated vegetablarians of Newcastle
Blue Apple Café can be found at 182 Heaton Road, open 10-6:30pm Mon-Fri, 10-5pm Sat, tel. no 0191 2092571, lovely people, luscious food, eat all your greens and you’ll get some pudding.