THE PEOPLE of Newcastle and Gateshead are rightly ecstatic at the news that we have been short-listed for the title of European Capital of Culture.
Even here at the Cynic Centre, Newcastle Stuff is convinced that there can be no other serious choice in the UK.
We like to think that our '2008 - It'll Be Fucking Great' campaign has been an important component in the bid.
We've taken the piss a bit - that's what we're about.
Elsewhere in the local press, acres of space has been devoted to the billions which will be spent on 'developments', the millions of visitors we will attract, and the 17,000 new jobs this will create.
But can anyone name this year's European Capital of Culture? The city to which millions are currently flocking; whose galleries, concert halls and hip nightlife is the talk of the civilised world?
The Evening Chronicle has mentioned Bruges once, in the past six months.
And this was in a Readers' Holiday offer where, for £134, you can take a coach from Tyneside and wind up there after a three-day tour of the more interesting parts of Belgium. No word of its 'culture' or current status whatsoever.
The £3 billion development plans, of course, have got jack-shit to do with our culture bid. The major ‘art projects' are now in place, so most of that money will be spent by chancers and wide-boys, hoying up shabby 'loft apartments' on both banks of the newly fashionable Tyne.
In a very unscientific poll we conducted around the city's pubs, nine drinkers out of ten said they'd be happier if Newcastle United won the Premiership, than the European Capital of Culture.
Of course, your average Geordie would be delighted if one or both of these events happened.
But the local press will be the true winners - providing work for 17,000 lumberjacks, arts correspondents and Chronicle sellers, for as long as they can continue the hype.
And their bullshit will continue to entertain us, here at Newcastle Stuff.

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POLICE TACKLE STRAY CHARVER PROBLEM

NEWCASTLE POLICE have taken drastic steps towards ridding the city of stray charvers. The problem is set to get worse as the Christmas school holidays approach.
Thousands of these unwanted creatures are roaming the streets, causing a great deal of nuisance and distress to the public.
Apart from fouling the footpaths, they spend most of the day scavenging for drink and tabs.
It's estimated that each one can consume up to twenty Lambert & Butler in a single afternoon, which they 'borrow' from passers-by.
As you can see from our picture, the local charver pound is already reaching bursting point. Very few are claimed back by their owners.
But plans to sedate them with a few bottles of Bellabrusco and then release them in Sunderland, have been condemned as inhumane.
Animal-lovers reckon it would be kinder to destroy them.

THE PICTURE on the right was submitted anonymously. The note attached says this place has its knockers, but it’s a perfectly sensible name for a fast-food shop near the Bigg Market.
We are also asked to refrain from cheap and smutty comments along the lines of “I’ll have a couple of quarter-pounders, please.” Not our style, mate.
Meanwhile, pity the poor promotions girls who had to hand out the leaflet below, on Northumberland Street.
One can only hope the invitation wasn’t taken too literally by starved blokes who fancied something to munch on.

I FEEL I MUST write to congratulate you on producing a magazine that is attempting to drag Newcastle kicking and screaming back into the good old days of post industrial Tyneside.
Your Luddite stance is a breath of fresh air, reminiscent of the dark, Thatcher, dole days of the 1980’s. Never mind all the work and effort that’s gone into making Newcastle a modern city, lets storm those galleries, restaurants and bars that are providing employment and escape for many and burn the fuckers to the ground.
I particularly enjoy your ‘Charver’ pages; they’re very funny.
One point though, if you’re going to attack one group of society because of their class and appearance you should broaden your remit to other worthy causes. May I suggest asylum seekers or in fact, anyone of different race, creed or colour? You certainly could have a field day picking on the local Muslim community, especially in the current climate, go on, and treat yourselves.
Yours Truly,
Steve Drayton. (Mr.)

• Didn’t you used to be a standup comedian?
You never did understand the self-effacing Geordie humour, which is why you only ever appealed to smug, middle-class, graduate audiences.
Don’t patronise our readers, many of whom are charvers, and enjoy a laugh.
And like your letter, attacking foreigners wouldn’t be very funny, now would it?
Especially coming from some clever-shite who used to try to get laughs dressed as an Egyptian.

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