Opening Time
Culture Corner
Feature: Gateshead, Capital of Culture
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Carpet Burns
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A nice fire, yesterday
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AN ARSONIST was praised last month, for starting a fire which caused ten grand’s worth of improvements to the controversial Blue Carpet art project, on Newcastle’s New Bridge Street.
The late-night blaze scorched several thousand of the ‘special’ carpet tiles, adding some interesting black and brown tones to the otherwise drab blue colour scheme.
Newcastle Stuff’s art correspondent, the esteemed critic Ronnie Tiptoad – who sits by the cigarette machine in the Blackett Arms – was ecstatic.
"It gives the carpet a proper homely feel," he said. "Show me a rug that hasn’t got a few tab burns. It’s a touch of genius and there’s twenty Regal waiting here for the lad what done it."
But Newcastle Stuff must claim some credit for getting the troubled project back on track.
In our last issue, we challenged city council arts chief Paul Rubenstien to get his finger out and finish the job, after we’d heard off someone in a bar that it was now five years behind schedule and three million quid over budget.
We arranged a price with Dallas Carpets, of Elswick, who quoted us three grand and said they’d carpet the area in a day and a half. The bill would go to Mr Rubenstein – who would also be welcome to any off-cuts for his bathroom.
He chose not to contact us here at the Cynic Centre, but we’re happy that he heeded our warning.
According to CityWorks technicians on the site, the job is progressing nicely and is on target for completion in the Spring of 2003.
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STYLE FILE
 NAME: Tiffany (girl mates call her Tiff, boy mates call here Fanny)
AGE: 20
WORK: Mother and homemaker
LIVES: In council house with daughter Chantelle and boyfriend Wayne. Wayne’s other daughter, Tamara, lives with his ex-wife. House has leaded windows, Austrian blinds, outside lights front and back, satellite dish, supermarket trolley and old carpet in garden
DAY WEAR: Naff Naff T-shirt, Sweater Shop cardigan, leggings and flip-flops. A Berghaus coat for when it’s less than seventy-degrees
EVENING WEAR: Anything tight and short and easy to get off
CAR: Benwell Taxis
HABITS & HOBBIES: Benson & Hedges, Wrigleys, sitting on dining chair on front step, talking to Sharon next door. Friday nights, Bigg Market
TELEVISION: Anything on Sky
FILMS: Anything on Sky Movie
SPORTS: Toon on Sky Sports, W.W.F.
FOOD: Something from Netto after collecting Chantelle from nursery.
HOLIDAYS: Spain next year with Wayne
DRINK & DRUGS: Bottle of white wine before going out, some tack and a few trebs. Cushty.
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How To Gan On In Newcastle
lesson 1: Borrowing a tab
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 WITHIN MINUTES of arriving in Newcastle you will encounter the legendary Geordie hospitality, when a complete stranger approaches you with his right hand extended. "Lenz a tab," he’ll say.
You have made a pal, and he is suggesting you cement the friendship with the long-term loan of a cigarette. You, in turn, are obliged to lend him one.
This routine will happen every time you venture out in Newcastle. So if you don’t smoke, now’s a good time to start.
The ‘friendliest’ types are young lads wearing colourful sportswear and a "nippa" behind their ear, who sound as though they’re talking through their left nostril.
When he says "Lenz a tab," you will reply "nee bother, charver." He’ll be sure to look out for you in future.
He may have a female with him. She’ll also be wearing sportswear, dripping with gold-coloured jewellery. The fringe of her yellow hair will have been carefully sprayed over a coke tin until it’s twice the size of her head. She is known as a Kappa Slapper – or "me bewer."
In this case you will offer two cigarettes. And if you’re feeling particularly gregarious, add the words "bet she gans like the clappaz." Your wit will be noted.
Now that you understand this easy piece of etiquette, why not try it yourself?
Simply walk up to a stranger in a bar or on a bus, lean close to their face, and say the words:
"Lenz a tab."
Better still, try it on everyone you pass in the street – you’ll be surprised at the interesting situations this can lead to.
And you’ll know when you’ve met a true kindred spirit, when they reply "Ah was ganna ask yee." |
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