Boyfriend coming down too hard on you? Afraid to go out in public? If you have a secret worry you would like to share, write to: SIMON & MELANIE The Agony Twins

DEAR S&M I am a vertically challenged geriatric nurse who has recently started dating a Goddess of 5ft 11. She says that size isn't important and she loves me. Should I dump her? Mother tells me there is an operation women can have to reduce their height. Is an operation available on the NHS?
DON, Brunton Park

•DEAR DON Grow up for heaven's sake. There's more to a man than height. Why not laugh her into bed with a selection of quaint rubber noses and a good old dirty movie. I bet you and your Mum are a scream when you get together. Try those old nicknames like 'Lurch' and 'Legbone' and finally get out the fake rubber hacksaw you got for Xmas when you were seven. That should have her running for the hills in search of a more suitably caring (and taller) man.

DEAR S&M Is it true that Irish women are really interesting? I went out with one the other week and could hardly keep my eyes open.
PAUL, Sunderland

•DEAR PAUL Is it true you can get a date if you come from Sunderland?

DEAR S&M My best friend has recently taken up with a new boyfriend and has lost interest in me. I have tried ringing her several times a day and last weekend even offered to clean her windows. Yesterday I waited outside her office but when she came out she ignored me. What should I do?
LORNA-MARIE KNIGHT, Wideopen

•DEAR LORNA Your friend obviously hates you and is trying to distance herself from you. You are clearly a very lonely and deeply unappealing woman. Accept this and leave her to find lasting happiness and fulfilment. Sad screw-ups like you make us sick.

DEAR S&M I went out with a lass for two weeks in the summer of '95. The problem is I can't stop thinking about her. Will she come back or should I just move on? She promised she would write but I keep thinking she must have lost my address.
MARK, Leam Lane Garage

•DEAR MARK Lorna from Wideopen would like to hear from you.

DEAR S&M Having suffered for many years from learning difficulties, I was advised by my doctor that swimming with dolphins would cure my problem. However, not having the requisite two-grand to splash out I came up with my own solution. Swimming with goldfish. Having purchased six mini carps from B&Q I now swim with them every night and believe me my IQ has soared. If anyone would like to join me in the learning bath contact Jason Featherstone, 10 Hills Crescent, Walkergate. Blondes preferred.

•DEAR JASON Good luck!

I AM RESEARCHING an article entitled 'Fat Men In Pubs' which comprises a number of photographs of the aforesaid mentioned blokes caught unawares in their native Tyneside environment. If anyone has any photos to contribute please send them pronto to Eileen, c/o Newcastle Stuff

•COME ON readers, do you know any grossly obese people with a sense of fun? Thought not.