You fancy a certain little radgie - but he can’t take his eyes off your fringe? Then let one of these pendants work its magic charms. Made from shiny metal and recently modelled on catwalks and dole queues from Byker to Battle Hill, they’ll set last week’s love-bites off perfectly - and will soon have your new lad gnawing at your neck.

Bored with last year’s finger fashions? It’s time to cover those N.U.F.C. and A.C.A.B. tattoos with a few sovereign rings. They make a sophisticated ‘ching’ when you pick up your bottle of Bella Brusco. And - used properly - they’ll take the side of the face off anyone who makes a move on you, your bottle, or your lad. Young mums can invest in their bairn’s future. They make classy bracelets for babies aged 0-3 months.

Who wants to stand out from the crowd? You’ll only get picked on. The simplest way to look like every other swearing, spitting, Sharon on your estate is to wear hoops - and wear ‘em big. Who cares if your ear lobes are hanging lower than your tits by the time you’re twenty? Make sure the hoops are big enough to fit over your head - including your fringe - and worry about the permanent disfigurement when you’re more grown-up.