UNITED ARE IN DANGER of missing out on success due to the quality of the local grass, newcastle stuff can reveal. Growing conditions are far from perfect at St James’ Park, where the new stands are blocking out the sunlight.
Many players are looking confused on the sub-standard stuff, rather than reaching the exciting highs of recent years.
But manager Bobby Robson needn't worry. A man in a pub told newcastle stuff he can soon have St. James’ blooming, bringing a smile back to the faces of the players and the fans.
Speaking from a seat by the tab machine in the Bonny Lad, the man - who does not want to be named - made his pitch:
“They've got the wrong bulbs in the floodlights. I had the same problem in me loft last season, but after a trip to Amsterdam things have been cushty,” says Herbie Bush, of Chillum Road, Heaton.
He recently bought a ‘special’ lighting system which can accelerate the growth of grass. Fitting these in the stadium would solve the sunlight problem, leaving players and fans looking tanned and relaxed.
And there are tactical advantages using the Bush System™.
“On me ex-wife's life, I’ll have the team playing like they're from a different planet,” says unemployed henchman Herbie. “Switch my lights on at kick-off and the lads’ll be up to their waists in the stuff by half time.
“The boy Shearer will be in his element. Talk about losing defenders? Try finding him in extra time when there's only his baldy head showing above the grass.”
After a few more bevvies, Bush concedes there is one major problem. By his estimation, the electricity bill will be more than Shearer’s wages.
“Our Darren generally sorts that out with his ‘black box’. The magnets in it send the meter spinning backwards so fast that the smoke gets sucked back down the chimneys at the power station.
“That’s cush for a house - I got a two-grand rebate last year. But growing grass on this scale needs a bigger power supply,” he says.
Their Darren has wired the house up so it takes all its juice from a lamp post at the end of the street. The nearest ‘free’ source of power to St James’ is Gallowgate Metro Station - a piece of piss for his twelve-year old son.
“Wor Darren could attach a cable to their main line. The trains would run like treacle for ninety minutes, but if it gives the lads the boost they need, it’ll be pure cush.
If Bobby Robson is interested in using the Bush System™, Newcastle Stuff can put him in touch with Herbie’s probation officer.
• Meanwhile, their Darren has offered to power this year’s Northumberland Street Xmas illuminations from the shaving point in his room at the Faircop Bail Hostel. Benwell.
