POLICE WERE CALLED to a building site yesterday, when workers made an horrific discovery. While digging the foundations for a seventy-screen cinema on Newgate Street, they found what appeared to be human remains.

"It has obviously been there for many, many years and the cause of death isn't clear," a top cop told newcastle stuff. "Mind, I've never seen anything like it in my sixty years on the force. We aren't even sure if it's human." newcastle stuff decided to launch its own investigation into the bizarre discovery, amid rumours of strange rituals being carried out on the site in the distant past.


We called in Professor Bob Shite from the University, a leading expert in ancient things.

“I'm working on the theory that there was a place of worship on this site, many years ago. We found references to it when we excavated the toilets of the Percy Arms recently, which we know was a meeting place of the ‘Rock People’.
Local legend has it that there was huge underground cavern where thousands of these hairy beings would gather of a weekend, working themselves into a frenzy with strong brews. Then they would carry out a strange dance where they would shake their heads until they fell over. It would have been a frightening sight.
The body itself is surprisingly well preserved. It seems to have been embalmed in a fluid made from apples. According to inscriptions on the Percy Arms wall, this may have been called ‘snakebite’.
He appears to be wearing an animal skin - I’d guess it was that of an Afghan hound. He also has beads around his neck and primitive leather sandals on his feet.
We may even have a name for the poor wretch. He has some strange markings on his skin, and you can clearly make out the words ‘Uriah’ and ‘Heep’ on one arm, and ‘Ozzie’ on his knuckles.
As to the cause of death, it’s hard to say. Colleagues of mine have found perfectly preserved mammoths in Siberia, who are in the exact state they were in before some terrible catastrophe happened.
Judging from the position he was found in, I’d guess he’d fallen down some stairs and rolled under a tab machine. He wouldn't have stood a chance.”